I've been thinking much on this concept lately, with two revisitings and something new restimulating my thoughts on it. I recall first becoming interested in the concept of sex being either paired with, or juxtaposed against death during an American Literature course I took some eight years ago now. We were studying Don DeLillo's White Noise. I remember enjoying the book immensely, although the specifics of it escape me somewhat, but two fascinations came away from the section on it with me. One - a fascination with American supermarkets. Two - a fascination with the concept of the Libidos-Thanatos dichotomy-spectrum what have you. The first has been sated, at least for now; I am unsure that the second ever will be.
I don't remember the relevance to the book. I do remember that the postmodernists had a thing for psychoanalysis. Freud. As a Psych major, colour me not surprised in the slightest. Everyone's obsessed with Freud. That it should be part of a literary movement - yawn. The concept though, that drew me. Perhaps I shall expand on other thoughts about Freud at a later date. Mostly it's bunk, and I accept that. This particular idea is rather delicious though. In brief, our behaviours as human beings are underlain by two key drives. Libidos, the drive to create, the drive for pleasure; and Thanatos, the drive to destroy, to lead ourselves inexorably towards death. Freud proposed that these two concept were opposing forces. I remember DeLillo treating them as opposites - one forcing the other away by necessity. I'm more interested in the idea that the two are richly entwined, and cannot be separated, existing in some kind of reciprocal feedback loop.
At around the same time, I remember seeing the episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer called Forever just after the death of Joyce Summers. Post-funeral Xander and Anya have been getting busy and there is this exchange...
ANYA: Mm. That was different.
XANDER: Yeah. It was more ... intense.
ANYA: It's because of Joyce.
XANDER: Right. Huh?
ANYA: Well, she got me thinking ... about ... how people die all the time, and ... how they get born too, and how you kind of need one so you can have the other. When I think about it that way, it ... makes death a little less sad, and ... sex a little more exciting.
XANDER: Again I say, huh?
ANYA: Well, I just think I understand sex more now. It's not just about two bodies smooshing together. It's about life. It's about *making* life.
XANDER: Right, when ... two people are much older, and ... way richer, and far less stupid.
ANYA: Breathe. You're turning colors. I'm not ready to make life with you, but I could. *We* could. Life could come out of our love and our smooshing, and that's beautiful. It all makes me feel like I'm part of something bigger. Like I'm more awake somehow. You know?
XANDER: Yeah, I do.
Clearly they have been comforting each other with sex. But at the same time, the thought of death is driving it and included within it, and with that wrapping together, both Anya and Xander come to an understanding of something more.
[Aside: I've recently been vaguely mocked (?) by someone with whom I keep explaining things through Buffy references. Should he read this, I'm quite sure that continued 'mocking' and frustration with the hold this particular universe has over me will ensue. I'm also quite sure I will also soon analyse why everything in my life relates back to a TV show though...]
I recall various times in the 8 years since then considering this over and over. I remember considering the thought when I read Zadie Smith's On Beauty; and mulling it over when, during a time of excessive amounts of death around me, the last thing I could bear to think of was sex. So much for driving off death with life-creating smooshing. I think of it in relation to the creation of the vampire mythos stemming from Dracula, where we seem to be powerfully drawn to the mystery of death, and that in that particular story, women fall in love with death and give themselves willingly to death, with obviously sexual over/undertones (also see recent teenagedom obsession with Twilight).
Most recently, two things happened at once. I was re-reading Stephen King's It and at around the same time as I knew a particular scene was approaching, someone showed me an amazing video series on YouTube called 'hysterical literature.' Here is a blog of one participant talking about her experience filming her video and why she chose the piece she did. The scene in It is the one that probably shocked me the most when I first read it - of 11 and 12 year olds having group sex, with the ultimate outcome being that they reach out and touch something through an act of love, that is good enough and pure enough to fend off the evil which is trying to ruin them and bring them to death.
But these two things haven't solved the puzzle, just made me question it more. Maybe it will never be solved. In the previously linked blog, the woman talks about how she can sometimes reach out and touch what it is with her fingertips, but never grab hold of it. But the only way she will ever try to grab hold of it is by wallowing in the places she might find it. So here's my wallow for now: If sex, occurring as an ultimate act of love, could lead you to be able to touch that and understand how and why it is so closely related to death, or maybe even opposed to death, I want to gain that insight. I also fear now though that I may never gain that insight. Perhaps that insight is what people who become mothers gain. They certainly seem to know something that the rest of us don't. Perhaps through the creation of life, and bringing it forth in an act that actually brings them incredibly close to death, they have some kind of experience that tells them the answer. That teaches them not to fear death, and know that they don't need to fight it, because it's a part of everything and can't be escaped. But at the same time, life cannot be removed from these things either, and so with life comes death, but also with death comes life.
It's still so confused in my head. Maybe I'll get there one day, if I keep wallowing in the dark places occasionally.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Monday, June 20, 2011
Why don't more people tell physics jokes?
So, I've been thinking about Schroedinger and his cat a little bit over the past few days. I don't know why really. I'm going to explore it here.
Schroedinger's cat is a Thought Experiment to do with Quantum Physics. Heavy stuff, I know. Basically, Schroedinger proposes you put a cat in a box with a vial of poison and a Geiger counter. If the Geiger counter detects radiation, the poison vial breaks and kills the cat. No radiation, poison intact, cat stays alive. The point being, that until an observation is made one way or the other this closed system exists in both states at once; the poison is both intact and broken, cat both alive and dead.
I think I started thinking about this when I chucked a t-shirt on the other morning to head into the lab. I suddenly realised, even though I've had this shirt for ages, I never noticed that it is Schroedinger's cat. It's just a cat, but it seems to be created out of negative space - the outlines are white, and kind of dotted-line-ish. The things that would be shading usually are white. It has white pupils. It's a freaky effing cat when you finally pay attention to it. Anyway, the spots on this cat are multicoloured - red, green, yellow, blue. What the hell kind of cat is this? Well, the caption says it all. 'Philosophy Cat.' It's a cat that could be in any number of states at once, existing all at the same time, until someone makes an observation and decides what is going on. Schroedinger's Cat.
Realising this made me feel like a bit of a super nerd. How many people who bought this shirt at a young woman's clothing store would realise the greater implications of it? None of them, probably. I have a t-shirt which is a physics joke. Win.
So then, I started thinking about the concept. I think it's the state my life is in at the moment. I am existing in at least two different states at once and I need to make an observation, or somebody needs to make an observation, for me to collapse into one state or the other.
I am both married and not. I am both confident and a quivering mess. I am both sure of my future and completely unsure where it could turn. I am both lover and fighter. Intellectual and completely stupid. Asleep and awake. Alive and not-alive. Addicted and able to quit anytime.
I'm waiting for someone to make an observation. To see me for what I really am. I wish that person had been my Husband. I tried so hard to make it him. I tried to be the one he wanted to observe. But I'm just not and I've been lying about who I am for 3 years.
Wow. Heavy stuff for a Monday. I warned you. I can't believe this all came out from a t-shirt.
Schroedinger's cat is a Thought Experiment to do with Quantum Physics. Heavy stuff, I know. Basically, Schroedinger proposes you put a cat in a box with a vial of poison and a Geiger counter. If the Geiger counter detects radiation, the poison vial breaks and kills the cat. No radiation, poison intact, cat stays alive. The point being, that until an observation is made one way or the other this closed system exists in both states at once; the poison is both intact and broken, cat both alive and dead.
I think I started thinking about this when I chucked a t-shirt on the other morning to head into the lab. I suddenly realised, even though I've had this shirt for ages, I never noticed that it is Schroedinger's cat. It's just a cat, but it seems to be created out of negative space - the outlines are white, and kind of dotted-line-ish. The things that would be shading usually are white. It has white pupils. It's a freaky effing cat when you finally pay attention to it. Anyway, the spots on this cat are multicoloured - red, green, yellow, blue. What the hell kind of cat is this? Well, the caption says it all. 'Philosophy Cat.' It's a cat that could be in any number of states at once, existing all at the same time, until someone makes an observation and decides what is going on. Schroedinger's Cat.
Realising this made me feel like a bit of a super nerd. How many people who bought this shirt at a young woman's clothing store would realise the greater implications of it? None of them, probably. I have a t-shirt which is a physics joke. Win.
So then, I started thinking about the concept. I think it's the state my life is in at the moment. I am existing in at least two different states at once and I need to make an observation, or somebody needs to make an observation, for me to collapse into one state or the other.
I am both married and not. I am both confident and a quivering mess. I am both sure of my future and completely unsure where it could turn. I am both lover and fighter. Intellectual and completely stupid. Asleep and awake. Alive and not-alive. Addicted and able to quit anytime.
I'm waiting for someone to make an observation. To see me for what I really am. I wish that person had been my Husband. I tried so hard to make it him. I tried to be the one he wanted to observe. But I'm just not and I've been lying about who I am for 3 years.
Wow. Heavy stuff for a Monday. I warned you. I can't believe this all came out from a t-shirt.
Monday, June 6, 2011
A Continuance.
So there did end up being talking. It was refreshing to hear Husband's thoughts put into words. It hasn't ever happened much.
Many decisions were reached. Most are too private to publicise on the world wide web, I think. At the moment, we stay together. He has been told how my plans for life have changed though. He's thinking about it. At the moment said happenings aren't imminent. He is thinking about whether he can deal with where I'm going. It was decided that if he comes back to me in a few weeks, or a few months and decides he doesn't want to go where I'm going then we'll jump off that cliff when we come to it.
The epic change, that I hope will happen soon, is finding somewhere else to live. We are going to find flatmates. He's never lived with anyone except his family and now me. I'm hoping it will help him grow, to live with other people and have to take some responsibility for things instead of me just taking care of everything. Should save some money too. I love money.
He's going to try harder to come out and socialise with me and meet people. He can do anything he wants in life, he has a brain and motivation. He just needs to figure out what he wants. He said he just wants to be with me. I said that's fine, but that I want him to want more, otherwise we really will grow too far apart, and I likely will become ridden with guilt, distant and resentful.
Do Not Want.
Stay tuned, if you want to. Future posts will likely be brighter. There might be kittens. Movie reviews, thoughts on books I'm reading, music I'm listening to. The possibilities are endless. As a taster, today I cracked open Herodotus - the Histories; CD for today was Lady Gaga - Born This Way. What a strange combination.
Many decisions were reached. Most are too private to publicise on the world wide web, I think. At the moment, we stay together. He has been told how my plans for life have changed though. He's thinking about it. At the moment said happenings aren't imminent. He is thinking about whether he can deal with where I'm going. It was decided that if he comes back to me in a few weeks, or a few months and decides he doesn't want to go where I'm going then we'll jump off that cliff when we come to it.
The epic change, that I hope will happen soon, is finding somewhere else to live. We are going to find flatmates. He's never lived with anyone except his family and now me. I'm hoping it will help him grow, to live with other people and have to take some responsibility for things instead of me just taking care of everything. Should save some money too. I love money.
He's going to try harder to come out and socialise with me and meet people. He can do anything he wants in life, he has a brain and motivation. He just needs to figure out what he wants. He said he just wants to be with me. I said that's fine, but that I want him to want more, otherwise we really will grow too far apart, and I likely will become ridden with guilt, distant and resentful.
Do Not Want.
Stay tuned, if you want to. Future posts will likely be brighter. There might be kittens. Movie reviews, thoughts on books I'm reading, music I'm listening to. The possibilities are endless. As a taster, today I cracked open Herodotus - the Histories; CD for today was Lady Gaga - Born This Way. What a strange combination.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Drama leads to blogtasticalness!
So, I was going to have this blog, and write about stuff I thought about. There's even people out there that might read it now. Maybe. You don't have to, it's a nice place to get stuff off my chest.
Anyway, there was another big earthquake and so I forgot about my blog and just was trying to survive for a while. Life got a little dramatic more recently though.
It was revealed to Husband this weekend that I'm not happy how things are at the moment. It wasn't supposed to happen the way it did. I was going to write all the things down and talk about them like an adult with him. But then a situation exploded on our weekend away with the In-laws. In a supermarket carpark in the rain no less. So all my plans went out the window and the talk happened on the fly.
We're just sitting here on the couch awkwardly now. I don't think he's going to talk about it with me. But that's part of the problem isn't it?
I'm sure there will be more for me to process here as the situation progresses. Time for food and a cigarette and an attempt to talk I guess.
Anyway, there was another big earthquake and so I forgot about my blog and just was trying to survive for a while. Life got a little dramatic more recently though.
It was revealed to Husband this weekend that I'm not happy how things are at the moment. It wasn't supposed to happen the way it did. I was going to write all the things down and talk about them like an adult with him. But then a situation exploded on our weekend away with the In-laws. In a supermarket carpark in the rain no less. So all my plans went out the window and the talk happened on the fly.
We're just sitting here on the couch awkwardly now. I don't think he's going to talk about it with me. But that's part of the problem isn't it?
I'm sure there will be more for me to process here as the situation progresses. Time for food and a cigarette and an attempt to talk I guess.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Blogger almost made me cry and I'm sick of thinking I'm going to die in a fiery wreck
It was Christmas day yesterday, so needless to say this morning I was tired and hungover. Then this morning I was woken by another massive earthquake, which the geo-science folks tell us is only a 4.9 but all my stuff is on the floor and a clock is smashed and now I have to clean and can't tell the time. After that original destroy-ariffic eartthquake and subsequent 4000-plus aftershocks, I am practically a seismograph. No way this morning was a 4.9. Plus, there's been about 20 more extreme jolts since that, all of which send my poor cat to flatten herself under the nearest piece of furniture. This many aftershocks do not happen after a 4.9.
Just turned the news on, to finally find out something about what happened! Oh, well, there we go - centred right beneath the city, hence why such extreme damage from a relatively 'small' tremor.
Screw you fault line! Take away a public holiday we waited all year for largely for the strong association with awesome Boxing Day sales. Bet no-one got to spend any of their Christmas money.
I'm usually not this angry. With being so abruptly taken from my sleep this morning, I neglected my regular caffeine intake. Also, we had no power for at least an hour, so I couldn't make coffee. Then I failed to get off the couch all day. This was largely because every time I stood up another big jolt shook the ground. I became sure I was causing it and that if I just stayed put, the ground wouldn't try so desperately to keep knocking me on my ass. It hasn't worked. There's another. So I still haven't had coffee and I have a withdrawal headache.
This probably all contributed to Blogger almost making me cry. I tried to make my blog look pretty, then maybe people will read it, or it will give me an increased sense of joy, or at least there will be pretty colours and people might be distracted and think:
"Oh, there's such pretty colours here! I will follow so that I can look at all the pretty colours. Oooh, and a picture of a kitten doing crazy shit! Yeah, follow!"
First, I don't know if these are the kind of people who would say "shit." Also, I haven't decided what kind of pictures I might include. There might be kittens - you never know.
But anyway, I decided to use the 'Help' menu to tell me what to do. It didn't work, because my dashboard doesn't look like what the page that the help-subject I selected lead me to, and so I just went back and forth between the two tabs. Dashboard. Help page. Dashboard. Help page. Et cetera. Then I got choked up and just squealed "But mine doesn't look like that."
I was stopped from crying by another earthquake. They are constant surprises. Jerks. It's like there's a fault line sitting there and I bet it's omniscient and just waits until someone's doing something like getting on their new bike they got for Christmas and just when they're unbalanced and about to triumphantly find themselves straddling their bike the fault line says "Sorry buddy, I'm gonna knock you on your ass! Lolz!"
Fucking earthquakes. Because of you I'm still in my pyjamas at 6:15 watching the evening news and considering having a ham and cheese toasted sandwich for dinner because I haven't managed to get up and even be a productive enough human to get dressed, let alone shower, and un-productive humans are totally justified in having feeding for dinner that's not particularly nutritive and takes little effort.
Just turned the news on, to finally find out something about what happened! Oh, well, there we go - centred right beneath the city, hence why such extreme damage from a relatively 'small' tremor.
Screw you fault line! Take away a public holiday we waited all year for largely for the strong association with awesome Boxing Day sales. Bet no-one got to spend any of their Christmas money.
I'm usually not this angry. With being so abruptly taken from my sleep this morning, I neglected my regular caffeine intake. Also, we had no power for at least an hour, so I couldn't make coffee. Then I failed to get off the couch all day. This was largely because every time I stood up another big jolt shook the ground. I became sure I was causing it and that if I just stayed put, the ground wouldn't try so desperately to keep knocking me on my ass. It hasn't worked. There's another. So I still haven't had coffee and I have a withdrawal headache.
This probably all contributed to Blogger almost making me cry. I tried to make my blog look pretty, then maybe people will read it, or it will give me an increased sense of joy, or at least there will be pretty colours and people might be distracted and think:
"Oh, there's such pretty colours here! I will follow so that I can look at all the pretty colours. Oooh, and a picture of a kitten doing crazy shit! Yeah, follow!"
First, I don't know if these are the kind of people who would say "shit." Also, I haven't decided what kind of pictures I might include. There might be kittens - you never know.
But anyway, I decided to use the 'Help' menu to tell me what to do. It didn't work, because my dashboard doesn't look like what the page that the help-subject I selected lead me to, and so I just went back and forth between the two tabs. Dashboard. Help page. Dashboard. Help page. Et cetera. Then I got choked up and just squealed "But mine doesn't look like that."
I was stopped from crying by another earthquake. They are constant surprises. Jerks. It's like there's a fault line sitting there and I bet it's omniscient and just waits until someone's doing something like getting on their new bike they got for Christmas and just when they're unbalanced and about to triumphantly find themselves straddling their bike the fault line says "Sorry buddy, I'm gonna knock you on your ass! Lolz!"
Fucking earthquakes. Because of you I'm still in my pyjamas at 6:15 watching the evening news and considering having a ham and cheese toasted sandwich for dinner because I haven't managed to get up and even be a productive enough human to get dressed, let alone shower, and un-productive humans are totally justified in having feeding for dinner that's not particularly nutritive and takes little effort.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Inspiration by Infection
So I have been thinking of creating a blog for some time now. Keeping it real seems to be the best thing to do, and tonight a real crazy situation inspired me to finally do it.
Tonight, or more specifically this afternoon I guess, Mother was admitted to the hospital for blisters. Ridiculous, no? But there are extenuating circumstances. You see, Mother has Diabetes. She got said blisters and because of complications arising from said disease, did not know she had them and they have become infected. So badly that she is on IV antibiotics.
Sister, closely followed by Father, both called me to update me on what was happening - I don't live in the same city you see. I couldn't even think of what to say to either of them. I started reading my sister a particularly hilarious post about a microwave perhaps to distract her from her upset? More likely because I felt more engaged by the microwave analysis than the fact that Mother is in the hospital. Am I a bad human?
The one thing I did think to say to them was to please let Mother know that the parcel full of chocolate-y goodness she so kindly sent to Husband and myself for Christmas has been driving around in a delivery van all day, in 28 degree (Celsius) heat. The company guarantees delivery to residences by 5pm on delivery day, so I want her to know as I know she will be suitably outraged by our lack of candy.
The other thing I ponder is whether Mother did this on purpose. I really don't believe so and evidence to support this belief follows...
I think I might blame the podiatrist for this wonderful piece of pre-christmas family upset. Blaming seems like a sufficiently good human thing to do, and I am worried about whether I am a good one.
Tonight, or more specifically this afternoon I guess, Mother was admitted to the hospital for blisters. Ridiculous, no? But there are extenuating circumstances. You see, Mother has Diabetes. She got said blisters and because of complications arising from said disease, did not know she had them and they have become infected. So badly that she is on IV antibiotics.
Sister, closely followed by Father, both called me to update me on what was happening - I don't live in the same city you see. I couldn't even think of what to say to either of them. I started reading my sister a particularly hilarious post about a microwave perhaps to distract her from her upset? More likely because I felt more engaged by the microwave analysis than the fact that Mother is in the hospital. Am I a bad human?
The one thing I did think to say to them was to please let Mother know that the parcel full of chocolate-y goodness she so kindly sent to Husband and myself for Christmas has been driving around in a delivery van all day, in 28 degree (Celsius) heat. The company guarantees delivery to residences by 5pm on delivery day, so I want her to know as I know she will be suitably outraged by our lack of candy.
The other thing I ponder is whether Mother did this on purpose. I really don't believe so and evidence to support this belief follows...
- She can't feel her feet, and thus the blisters on it.
- Due to recent surgery, she can't see her feet, and thus the blisters on it.
- She already has enough health problems so I don't expect she would willingly add to this.
- She had a podiatrist appointment lined up for this week and when she called to confirm, the podiatrist's receptionist informed her they had no record of her appointment, or of her as a patient (where she has been going for 5 years).
I think I might blame the podiatrist for this wonderful piece of pre-christmas family upset. Blaming seems like a sufficiently good human thing to do, and I am worried about whether I am a good one.
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